A Lesson I Will Never Forget.

For me in my life it seems that when God gets my attention it is rarely a small quiet voice, but a two by four upside my head. Maybe I need to be quiet more and listen before he raises the stakes, does anyone else relate? One of the key moments in my life where I learned that God was in charge, not me, truly changed my life forever. This event happened in 1980, but when I tell it, or even think about it, it is a clear as it was then. I told this story today to a friend, so thought I would tell it to those who read it tonight. Maybe there is a lesson that will allow someone else to hear a small quiet voice instead of that two by four.

I was scheduled to speak at a business convention in Tulsa. It was being held at the Maybee Center the basketball stadium for Oral Roberts University that holds, with the floor set up as theater seating, about 16,000. I was twenty two years old, full of juice, and a fairly new born again Christian for just over a year, and had an ego that was quite excited about speaking to 16,000 people. There was one thing that I really wanted, I wanted a standing ovation. I knew my crowd, I knew what their hot buttons were, so as I was writing my speech I kept trying to think of that big close for my ovation. The night before the convention it hit me, the perfect closing statement, it was a can't miss, I was so excited I couldn't wait to be under that spotlight.

My time came, and the speech was going very well, it was then time to close. As I was closing I stopped took a breath, looked at the crowd and started my closing statement. Stealing a line from a popular book, at the time, and bending it to my purpose I said, "In this flight of my life, I just want you to know that God is not my co-pilot." At that I just stopped and looked around the stadium, you could feel the silence, it was as if all the air was sucked out of the room. You could almost hear them thinking "I liked this kid a minute ago, but what a jerk." Then I finished with "He is the pilot." Then that ovation seemed to explode and fill the room. However, what I expected to be a huge ego boost was actually the single most humbling moment of my entire life. It is hard to explain what happened to me next, I have never felt fear in front of a crowd until just that moment. If I had to say anything I couldn't have, I put the microphone down, and did all I could to stay upright. My body felt like it was coming apart at the seams, my legs were rubbery, the muscles on both sides of my spine were contracting so tight I was afraid I was going to fall flat on my back. I felt myself start to shake all over, all I wanted to do was get off stage. There was no doubt in my mind, heart, or soul who that ovation was for, and it wasn't me. I knew where my "inspiration" for that line came from, and that I was simply a convenient body to speak through. I walked toward the side of the stage to get down those stairs and behind the curtain backstage, it felt like it kept getting further and further away.

As I came down the steps backstage one of my heroes and mentors embraced me coming off stage and congratulated me, he said "You have the magic, look at what you did!" I looked Bob in the eyes and in deep earnest told him, "It wasn't me." I took a couple steps away and was embraced by another hero and mentor ,Don, who said virtually the same thing, I answered the same way, but added "That pause really worked didn't it?" Just a few more steps and was embraced by another mentor who said nearly the same thing, this time I high fived him and said "Yeah!!!" At that moment I thought of the cock crowing three times, and felt totally ashamed that after the single most spiritually moment in my life to that date it only took five minutes to lose it and to embrace my ego over Christ once again. There was a change in me from that moment on, I realized how weak that I was, and how vulnerable I was and how I needed to mature as a man, and as a Christian if I should be trusted in a leadership role. It was at that moment that I understood what happened to Jimmy Swaggert, and Jim Baker. A friend of mine who is a full time evangelist knows both men and has the highest regard for both, that both love God with all their hearts and started out completely on track, but fell short. As we all do. How tough it has to be for men like that who are constantly surrounded by those who feed them how great they are, what a dangerous way to live. That makes my respect for those like Billy Graham all the more profound. We are all sinners, some are just saved by Grace, and are called Christians.

Once again reliving this moment, brings back the goosebumps once again. Ever since I have always asked God to use me how he will for His Glory. I will have to fight my own ego until the day I die, but have been so blessed that I can never pay back what has been given.